1. How important is it for children to be taught compassion and empathy?

Empathy is the precursor to compassion, and it’s only when we experience empathy that we can be compassionate. Empathy is a vital skill. While we think of compassion as fundamental to our ability to be kind and charitable to the less fortunate, empathy is more important that that because it forms much of the basis of our social interactions.  It is by tuning into how another is feeling that we learn to moderate our behaviour.  More specifically, it is by being aware of the feelings and reactions of others that we learn to behave in socially appropriate, beneficial ways.

For example, in young children, empathy comes in the form of not calling another a name that you would find hurtful. In teenagers, empathy is the basis of the understanding that it is sometimes necessary to smile when I don’t feel like it, so others are not uncomfortable in my presence. In adults, the ability to empathise often makes the difference between the astute communicator or the sensitive partner and parent, and the clueless social misfit. This why understandingchild empathy is so critical.

2. How can parents contribute to a culture of learning to respect others feelings, or to develop empathy?

Formal programs to teach empathy, such as the Roots of Empathy program (http://www.rootsofempathy.org/) , often start with efforts to help children learn to identify and describe their own emotions. It is hard to understand how someone else might be feeling if you don’t really have a strong sense of the feelings you yourself experience, and if you can’t really articulate why you feel the way you do. Understanding our own emotions allows us a foundation on which to understand or anticipate the emotions of others in similar circumstances, and to anticipate the impact of different circumstances on ourselves and others.

Parents hoping to nurture compassion and empathy in their children should start by building emotional literacy in them. This does not need to be done in a formal way, but through simple everyday things like acknowledging and talking about the emotion the child is having, and the emotions we ourselves are having over the course of the day. For example, say something like “It looked to me like you were getting really frustrated when Lucy was snatching your doll.” to teach the child to acknowledge their experience and put a name to it.

Making how others feel a regular part of conversation is probably the second step to increasing empathy. For example, asking your child how a classmate felt when he got told off, or discussing why grandma got all teary at Uncle Sam’s graduation. Looking at the important people in the child’s life, it might be useful to help them gain a better sense of their teacher’s experience in the classroom, for example, when the kids fail to observe the basic rules, or the janitor’s experience when someone leaves a nasty mess, or even just a playmate’s experience when we fail to greet them appropriately or warmly at the door.

3. What practical things could parents to do teach empathy in their children?

Building on the child’s growing understanding of the needs and experiences of others, it might be nice then to move things along from having an empathetic understanding to actually being compassionate in action. Parents can teach this by modelling compassionate behaviour. So going to an animal shelter for example, provides a nice opportunity to talk through the experience of abandoned animals, while also providing a good way to act on the empathetic feelings or feelings of compassion that arise when you think about the experience of someone else. But it can be far less structured and planned. For example, giving a mother with a crying infant your place ahead of her in a supermarket queue and explaining to the child why you thought that might be helpful would be a good way to model both empathy and compassionate action. When you do see your child showing compassion in their own dealings, take the time to acknowledge their efforts by specifically articulating the compassionate act, lavishing praise and letting them know that you value these efforts. For example, “I am so proud of you for going up to the new girl and inviting her to play with your group of friends. She must have been feeling a little lonely, and you really made an effort to make her comfortable. Good job!”

Contact:  Amrit@kidztherapy.co.nz  (09) 849 4232