Get the conversation flowing
“My teenager just doesn’t talk to me.” This is one of the most common complaints our psychologists hear from parents.
Keep in mind that all talk is valuable talk. Sometimes you need to get them talking (about anything) so you can understand and relate better when there are tougher conversations to be had.
Everyone enjoys talking about themselves (even if they say they don’t!). Use this, keep it light and specific, while tailoring to their interests. Try “I saw you playing that videogame and it looked like it really tests coordination. What’s the hardest part?".
Keeping the conversation going is half the battle. Asking the right questions helps you do this. Once you can feel the conversation flowing, it becomes easier to say something like “I loved the way your date came to the door to say hello. What was he like on the date?”
Show understanding and empathy
You’ve got lucky and your teen is hesitantly opening up about a conflict with a friend. What do you do now?
Resist the urge to provide advice. Listen quietly, then paraphrase or repeat what your child said. If your child says, “She never pays attention to what I say”. You say “You feel she doesn’t listen to you”. If your child says “I try so hard.”
By repeating and paraphrasing you provide validation to your teen. You’re reinforcing that what they say is important, you’re really listening, and you get their point of view. If your teen knows you hear and understand them, it’s much more likely they’ll come to you when things are hard.
How to approach situations where your teen needs advice
Always validate their feelings first.
For example, if your child has yelled at a teacher try: “It must be frustrating to have a teacher whose so tough on homework. I can see why you felt like yelling at her.”
Watch for a softening in your child. You will see in their face when they know they no longer have to prove to you how “unjust” the teacher was.
You’re now in the listening zone and potentially the teaching zone. Remember, go easy. Try “I wonder how you feel about yelling at her. Did she react badly?” Be tentative but supportive. Most teens will be able to reflect on the wisdom of their actions once they know you’re not judging them for it and starting a lecture.
If your teens’ back goes up, go back to validation and leave it for another time. Revisit the conversation in a few days. They are more likely to talk when they’re not defending their actions.
Talking without looking
Many parents say that their best parenting moments happen in the car. There’s something about not having to look at each other that makes it easier to talk. Try asking your teen about their day and how things are with their friends while in the car or out for a walk.
Man up when things get uncomfortable
Even if your teen has taken you by surprise or you feel out of your depth, you need to project that you’re calm, supportive and in control.
Teens are hyper sensitive to body language. Don’t change the topic or walk away. Don’t even shift your weight in panic. If you have to, practice your poker face. And as always, validate and reflect their feelings back.
Don’t point out every inconsistency
Teens are confused creatures. “I don’t have a problem” often becomes “I have all the problems and you just don’t understand”. As a parent, you’re left either scratching your head, or yelling at them.
If you’re having issues communicating with your teens, the priority is to create an environment where they feel safe talking to you.
Pointing out inconsistencies in their stories can cause embarrassment (and a shutdown). Often, teens don’t even realise they’re being inconsistent until they say the words aloud.
The correcting can come easier later once the relationship is strong. When the mood has softened, it might be possible to say “You said the other day that you have all the problems. Which feels the worst right now?”.
Resist the urge to preach
Janet Edgette, a leading psychologist on teen parenting, advises that when you have a conflict with your teen, you “nibble at the edges of their way of thinking without preaching” and get rid of the latent power struggles.
If your teen says “I hate everyone!” Take this approach:
Say “I think I have days when I hate everybody, too" or "What happened today that you ended up feeling like you hate everybody?" These questions have the effect of normalising what they felt instead of turning it into something "bad" or abnormal and shutting down the conversation.
Finally, remember...
It may not feel like it but the teenage years, like everything in life is a phase that will eventually pass.
The truth is that no parent of a teen has ever had it easy. Use these tips to help you approach conversations with your teen constructively and build open lines of communication.
If you've tried our tips and still feel like you're getting no where, get in touch to find out how Kidz Therapy can help. Our Therapeutic Psychologists are experts in parenting and family concerns.
